Well, maybe the best thing to do, (since this blog is supposed to be about my personal journey as a professional artist), is to be honest here and tell it like it is. I'm a hot mess. I even made myself a nice celebratory card for the occasion.
I'm upset and frustrated. I'm angry and fed up. Most of all I am really failing here. I'm failing at life. Although that little morsel is personal, life does flow right into my work. I'm really failing at everything all the way around. I am just fortunate to not have any children yet, because perhaps screaming that you are a failure is not the most ideal setting for one's children. I don't have to pretend like everything is fine so that the little one's don't freak out.
I will just say that in some cases, I really feel that people have failed me quite considerably. That is life. Moving on, what is more important, is that I have failed probably even more people than the other way around. I have not been pleasant. I have not been kind. No, I haven't prayed for those that I know are praying for me. Worst of all, I am not thankful. I am blinded by my anger, unable to really feel all of the love that I am receiving from others.
So where am I going with this "hot mess" thing? I'm not sure. I don't know where I am going at all. I do know that I really know what it is like to feel like there is nothing left in life. Out of this nothingness is the ability to really understand other people and their difficult journeys. There is a compassion that can blanket some pretty dark feelings. There is an endless amount of sympathy towards others. Well, that is something. Perhaps when God takes something away, he gives you something in its place.
I'm sorry. All I can say for myself is I will continue to try to do better. I cannot promise that I won't fail more in the future. I am trying and will continue to try and do better. I cannot promise that my anger is going to go away. I am a continual work in progress. I figure people probably think I'm crazy, dramatic, or a "negative Nancy." For the few that might understand my feeling of failure, perhaps you will continue to keep giving me chances.